New Kids on the Block are “Magically” Back in My Life….Thank You Boys!

WOW…it has been a long time.  I have so much to say, but I am not sure if I can type as fast as my mind is going.

So in the last almost year, I have renewed my infatuation with New Kids on the Block.  I was a huge fan when I was 9 or 10.  I had New Kids birthday parties and sleepovers.  I asked for only New Kids on the Block stuff for birthdays and Christmases.  I was in tween girl heaven.  I was secretly crushed when they split, and I would play their last “tape” in my car when I was alone in high school!  When Donnie Wahlberg was in Ransom, I asked for the VHS tape for my birthday.  That is all I wanted, and I only wanted it, because Donnie was in the movie.  The tape was not out in time for my birthday that year, so my mom went to the rental place and begged to buy a copy from the store.  They sold it to her for an obnoxious price, since it was not available for sale yet!

I remember when I first got on the Internet in high school.  One of the first things I looked for was information on New Kids!  All of this was “in the closet”; because it was, so not cool to be a New Kids fan in those days.  Therefore, I hid my fan-girldom.  Toward the end of my senior year of High School, the stress of moving away to college began to set in, and I set my sights on a new boy band.  That is right…I went to college being completely obsessed with the Backstreet Boys.  God bless my college roommate.  My entire side of the dorm room was covered in BSB and especially Nick Carter posters.  That first semester was so helplessly lonely for me; I easily became distracted with rushing home to see TRL on MTV to watch the same BSB videos every day.

So what is the point of this post?

A little refresher for readers and recap for newbies:

My cousin, Matt, who is about 3 ½ years older than me, had a malignant brain tumor when he was seven.  He was like an older brother to me.  Since I was an only child at that time, he was like a sibling to me at the time.  I remember my mom explaining to me that Matt was sick and was at Children’s Hospital.  I remember asking if I could go visit him, and my mom telling me that he was too sick.  I remember at the tender age of four, my mom trying to explain that Matt could die.  I remember trying to understand what death was at an age way too young to understand.

You can only imagine my relief, when the Children’s Hospital telethon was on TV, and I was able to see Matthew on TV for the first time in what seemed like forever in my young mind.  I was so relieved to see him, even though he had lost his hair.  When he came home from the hospital, I was elated.  I remember going to my grandma’s house, where Matt lived, for the first time to see him.  I remember my mom explaining that Matt still had staples in his head, and that I needed to be careful around him, because he was fragile.

It was sometime that summer that the molestation started.  While Matt was only seven or eight, and I was on four or five, Matt began to molest me after he returned home from Children’s Hospital.  Many people donated money and toys to Matthew because of his illness.  I even went on his “Make A Wish” trip to Disney World.  It started with me wanting to play with Matt’s new toys and Nintendo.  He would tell me that he would let me play with the toy, game; whatever it was that time, if I would let him rub himself against me. 

Being younger and looking up to him, I would do anything for him to play with me.  In addition, I knew Matt was still sick.  I remember the talk about him dying.  No one told Matt no, not the adults, not the other kids, and certainly not me.  I wanted so much to hang out with him and did not want him to die so badly, that I would do whatever he asked.

All that ended around the time I was nine or ten.  I was starting to develop into a young lady, and my mom had been very open about the changes that were occurring in/to my body.  I knew that I would get my period soon.  I knew that once you had a period, you could get pregnant.  While the molestation never actually became sex, I did not really know what exactly could get you pregnant back then.

I remember the day it ended.  He asked me to pull down my panties.  I do not remember what he tried to bribe me with that time, but I remember pull down my panties.  They were yellow.  I looked down to see my naked female parts, and he made a comment about how sexy it was that I had hair growing down there.  For some reason, that was the final step for me.  I was able to tell him NO for the first time ever.  We never even talked about it again after that day.

Now that we are all on the same page…back to New Kids on the Block…

  I had New Kids on the Block everything.  While I didn’t realize it at the time, in fact, I’ve only just realized that my New Kids on the Block obsession was the first time in over half my life back then, that I got to be an innocent fan girl dreaming about the boys in the boy band. 

Through therapy, I realized that they were my innocence.  While I spent most of my childhood dealing with secrets, that, according to Matt, I would get me in big trouble if I told, being a New Kids on the Block fan was a chance to be a “normal” adolescent regaining an innocence lost way too young.  I believe that is partially why I did not want them to go away.  They were my healing, my safe place, and my chance at normalcy in a young life that held too many secrets to bear. 

As I prepared to leave home and move away to college, the stress of the situation brought to me a new “replacement”, if you will boy band in the Backstreet Boys.  While I went to three New Kids concerts in the late 80’s and early 90’s, I never saw the Backstreet Boys in concert.  Unfortunately, concert tickets were not in my budget as a college freshman.

Last May, when I decided it was time to tell my dad and my grandma about what happened to me years before, I had an idealized, yet unrealistic, vision in my head of how everyone would react.  I had separated myself from my family, mostly because I did not want to be around Matt, for so long.  I was tired of being the “bad” person that did not make time for my family.

 I was almost 30 years-old, and my experience as a child led to a lifetime of abusive relationships with guys, and even at times, some of my girlfriends.  My first “serious” relationship was severely abusive.  He physical abused me, he emotionally eroded me, I allowed him to steal my dreams and goals, he took advantage of me sexually, and he broke me.  That relationship seemed only to set me up for a series of relationships that involved abuse, mostly emotional and sexual.  I seem to attract people that take pleasure in taking advantage of me.

Last May, it was finally time for me to quit keeping secrets, and face this thing that set such horrible patterns in my life.  It was time to take my life back.  The first step was to no longer keep the secret.  I was certain that once my family found out, Matt would finally be “punished”; after all, I was still struggling to move on.  Maybe telling my secret would provide some kind of closure or justice and allow me finally to become healthy.  Maybe it would take away the anxiety and depression I have fought during my adult life.

Boy was I wrong!  While my dad and grandma were supportive and finally seemed to understand my avoidance of family functions, my need for therapy once a week, and even, my need for medicine to deal with the depression and anxiety, the other side of the family did not exactly see it the way I did.  You see, Matt and I were their grandchildren, niece and nephew, and cousin.  We shared the same relationship with our family members.  Those family members did not choose to take sides.

In retrospect, I realize that my idealize idea of what was to happen once the secret was no longer a secret, it was and still is a tough pill for me to swallow.  I understand that I am completely biased and placed impossible expectations on family, but it is still difficult for me.  Since that time, birthdays, Christmas, weddings, and anniversaries have been celebrated, and with Matt being invited to everything, I do not feel comfortable being anywhere near him.  I am still the one “left out”, even if only by my own choosing.

Needless to say, the depression and anxiety in the last year and a half has only multiplied.  I realize that I need to deal with facing Matt.  It is nobody’s problem, but mine.  I need to be strong enough to be in the same room with him without freaking out.  The thought of him now, still causes anxiety and tears.  I am working on healing in therapy now.

Right…back to New Kids… Can you imagine my surprise and pure delight when New Kids on the Block teamed up with Backstreet Boys at the American Music Awards at the end of 2010, and then again on Dick Clark’s New Year’s special?  It was pure elation.  Then I began following all nine of those guys on Twitter.  More importantly, I “met” several fan-girls just like me on Twitter. 

I recently discussed with my therapist the escape that is Twitter.  You see, on Twitter, I am not “that” girl.  I am not the girl with issues.  I am nothing more than a fellow fan.  When New Kids announced that the summer tour with Backstreet Boys, and I saw there was a show in Louisiana, I was ecstatic.  I wondered who would come with me.  My good friend, Emily, quickly volunteered to go to the concert with me, and we got great third row seats.

Between meeting new people on Twitter and looking forward to the June 24^th concert, I finally had enough distraction to help me keep fighting.  It was as if a new breath had been given to me.  Right when I thought I could not keep going, I suddenly had this new excitement in my life.

Even better, about two weeks before the concert, I received an email from the Backstreet Boys’ website.  I had won a VIP ticket to meet them!  Holy smokes, I was excited.  While my initial love was and will always be New Kids, I was still excited to get to meet and take a picture with BSB.

I took off work on the day of the concert.  I felt like a teenager trying to pick out the perfect outfit.  I got a manicure and pedicure that morning.  The feelings of joy and excitement that I had were foreign to me.  The hour-long ride to Lafayette seemed to take an eternity.  Finally, we arrived, and it was time to enter the arena to meet Backstreet Boys.  I met other girls in line that also won from the website.  We all talked and sat together.  We even ended up taking our picture together.

Then, before I knew it, it was show time.  I do not think I could have imagined a better show.  For the 2 ½-hour performance, I had a seemingly out-of-body experience.  For a few hours, I had no problems, no sadness, no loneliness; even being in the arena with thousands of people did not bother me.  I was in a different world.  It was sheer bliss.

I absolutely believe it was a magical experience.  I hope that New Kids continue to tour, so I can feel that level of bliss again.  Is it a distraction?  Absolutely.  Is it healthy?  At this point, anything that helps me cope and finally feel happy with my life is healthy.  Do I plan to go on a cruise (if they ever announce it)?  I would not miss it.  Will I hide my excitement for New Kids on the Block ever again?  Absolutely not.  Are they magical?  I am not sure, but they made magic in the Cajundome that night. 

So, while I’m sure the guys from New Kids probably won’t happen across my little blog, I am thanking them for reuniting and for creating a magic that I haven’t felt since I was maybe 11.

Here is a picture of me after the concert.  Can you see the joy on my face?  No that's confetti, look at the smile!  J

will add new update SOON

Going through this experience and reliving these memories is difficult. It's difficult to dig up forgotten memories. While I feel like this blogging experience is ultimately a healthy activity for me, it is taking an emotional toll. Stick with it. I will be updating. Sometimes, however, I need to take breaks in order to get by.

I would like to thank everyone who has posted here, has contacted me personally, or have quietly read my story.  Your support, prayers, good thoughts, and kind words do give me the strength I will need to continue my healing process. 

STOP

Please STOP….Just STOP!!

Stop blaming my therapist, stop telling me that everyone else you know has gotten over it, and STOP denying that you didn’t do anything WHEN I told you at the age of 11. I did tell you, and you told me not to tell Daddy, because he would never let me play over there again….guess I should’ve told Daddy. I didn’t need to be playing over there at all. My therapist is HELPING…not having your support is NOT. STOP comparing me to everyone else. Maybe if I had the opportunity to heal a LONG TIME AGO, I would be a little better now, but I didn’t. This just came out. I am only beginning to heal, and your support would help the process progress. I guess I am going to have to figure this out without you. You’ve always been there for me, or so I thought. I guess it’s time to grow up, try things on my own.

UPSET & FRUSTRATED

So this isn’t really a writing assignment from my book, but it is my latest blog post. This is how I feel.

Things are getting worse with my mom about her parents. Now my brother is butting in as well. While I am trying to heal, they are making life difficult for the very few that are supportive of me.

Also, my mom made the comment that I have recently spent holidays with that family while Matt was there. I tried to explain, that I was just suppressing my feelings for the sake of everyone else, and now I am now trying to be healthy. I don't think any contact with Matt is healthy for me. I don't know if I'll EVER want to be around him. I think that is completely fair to choose not to be around the person that molested me for five years. I also think it is fair that I never want to be around him again, even if he is family. (The fact that he is family makes it more disgusting, actually.)

My grandparents have had several family celebrations (father's day, birthdays, out of town relative visits) that Matt was invited to. I was unaware of these until I saw the pictures on facebook. I feel like as long as he is welcome there, I am not.

Tonight my mom was rushed to the hospital with gallbladder issues. My dad got in his truck and is rushing to Nashville to be by her side. She has been such a bitch to him about all of this. I worry about him driving all night, and I am pissed at her for having the nerve to expect him to drop his life now to be with her.

She also made drama when she asked about my last visit with my therapist. I told her that as long as we are not going to get along, it's best that I not seek contact with her. She first said..."are you sure you're seeing the right therapist?" SERIOUSLY??? Now it's MY THERAPIST’S fault that she's a psycho?? Then she called a few days later and asked if I was still avoiding her. I reiterated that I am not avoiding her, but I am not seeking out negativity either. She doesn't get it. All she cares about are her parents' feelings.

UGGGHHH....so upset and frustrated.

More Quotes and the 2nd Writing Assignment: Coping

Quotes from The Courage to Heal:

“Coping is what you did to survive the trauma of being sexually abused.”

“Many survivors criticize themselves for the ways they coped.  You may not want to admit some of the things you had to do to survive.  But coping is nothing to be ashamed of.  You survived, and it’s important to honor your resourcefulness.”

“Children who are abused or battered often numb their bodies so they will not feel what is being done to them.  Others actually leave their bodies and watch the abuse as if from a great distance.”

“A tough sense of humor, a bitter wit or sense of cynicism can get you through hard times.  As long as you keep people laughing, you maintain a certain protective distance.  And as long as you keep laughing, you don’t have to cry.”

“Survivors often feel an overwhelming need to achieve, to make up for the badness they feel is hidden inside.  Excelling at work is something that they can control and that’s given a lot of support in our high-achieving culture.  While working to excess can show a strong motivation to succeed, it can also be a way to avoid an inner life or a connection to the people around you.”

Coping:  Writing Exercise Two

“This is an opportunity for you to write about your experience of coping – how you remember it, how you’re still doing it, how it’s affected your life.  Write with as much detail as you can, always write from the perspective of honoring what you did.”

So…how exactly did I cope?  As I read this section, I could definitely relate to some of scenarios presented.  I’ve never thought of many of my behaviors as coping, but rather, as traits of my personality.  I supposed trying to cope with my situation shaped who I am and who I’ve been.  I am hoping that, while this will always be a part of me, sexual abuse will no longer define who I will be.

I can vividly remember the abuse.  I looked up to my cousin.  He was like a big brother I never had.  I separated the abuser from the cousin I loved.  I hid the abuse in the back of my mind, because I wanted his attention.  At some point, I even took the blame for it.  I felt like I “chose” to be sexually abused, because I wanted to play with my cousin and his cool toys. 

I lived with the guilt that I had caused my own abuse for so long, that I had to make up for it in every aspect of my life.  I was such a “bad person” for choosing to be abused, that I had to be perfect at everything else.  I have always been an overachiever.  My parents provided tons of opportunities for me, and I NEEDED to be perfect in everyway.  I had enough imperfections in my life because of the abuse that I apparently “wanted.”  So I couldn’t afford to fail at anything else.

My perfectionist ways are and were not all that bad.  I was a great student, participated in several extracurricular activities, and was the perfect daughter.  I have worked in the same place for 7 years (5 years full-time).  In my job, I have continuously been given opportunities for growth.  I am proud of many of my accomplishments.

The problem with needing to be perfect is that when you do fail, it is detrimental!!!  Because I had enough flaws “on my record” in my head, I had no room to fail.  So, when things haven’t or don’t worked out perfectly, I usually don’t handle that so well.  In college I resorted to alcohol and pot to make it all just go away.  I had a lot of “fun” being miserable.  Does that make sense?  It sounds ridiculous to me.

I have also tried gambling, bulimia, and binge eating.  All of these were FAILURES.  If you haven’t tried these yet, don’t bother.  They’re all more trouble than their worth.  Luckily for me, I have a wonderful therapist who helped me through these.

Gambling was attractive, because I didn’t have to be alone, and I could be surrounded by shining lights and hopes of riches.  At the same time, I didn’t have to speak to anyone.  I could sit in front of machine feeding it my money and play for hours.  I used this time to avoid friends and closeness.  I used gambling as a way to cope.  Thankfully, that phase was not long-lived.  I couldn’t and can’t afford that habit.  I was miserable.  One of the worst feelings in the world is leaving a casino having spent more money than you can afford, and knowing that you’re not getting paid again for another 20 or 30 days. 

Now I detest going to casinos.  I’ve seen in my own life the potential for detriment.  I’ve sat outside casinos and watched the people walk in and out.  Rarely are those people happy.  The typical casino goers are some of the most miserable people that I have ever observed.  I quickly learned that I was avoiding something by being there, and that behavior was simply making me more miserable rather than happy.

I tried the bulimia as a method to lose weight.  It didn’t work.  Now I have acid reflux all the time.  I am on a prescription for acid reflux.  My doctor says that it can be a result of repeatedly making myself vomit.  That just sucks.  I have actually done permanent damage to my body.

Binge eating is usually what led to the bulimia, so I strongly suggest you think twice before trying this.  I would eat to feel better.  If a little of a good thing does a little good, then a lot does a lot of good, right?  Not so much.  I would eat until I literally felt sick.  I felt sick because I had “done it again.”  I felt sick because of the massive amounts of food I had shoved down my throat.  I had to throw up.  It made me feel less guilty.

The only other negative coping behavior that I am currently dealing with is my desire to sleep.  When I have the opportunity, I like to sleep all day.  It’s like, if I am not awake, I don’t have to face reality.  However, when I do wake up, and realize that I have missed an entire day, that I have not done the laundry, that my house is still messy, or that I still have no groceries, I get frustrated with myself.  While sleep is healthy, and I even believe that naps are beneficial at times, sleeping to avoid life is clearly not the way to go.

Overall, I have tested the waters of destructive behaviors as coping mechanisms.  I am incredibly fortunate that my parents instilled strong values of what is right and what is wrong.  I knew what I was doing was wrong.  I was able to realize that the bad things that I was doing were only making the situation worse.

As for taking the blame, I no longer blame myself at all for being sexually abused.  I was a kid.  I had no idea what was really going on.  I am consciously aware that I did not choose to be molested.  I have forgiven me!!  I believe that was my first break through in therapy.  Forgiving me was really my first step in leaving victim status and becoming a survivor.

Time’s up.  Good night.

PLEASE REMEMBER IF YOU OR ANYONE THAT YOU KNOW HAS BEEN OR IS BEING ABUSED SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY.

Slacking Lately - but not forgetting!! :)

I had a super busy Mother's Day weekend, and work has been crazy too. I am reading more of my book tonight and plan to post more tomorrow or Thursday. I just needed to say that I have the strongest, most supportive, and incredible parents in the world. I am so blessed.

Quotes from The Courage to Heal and The First Writing Assignment

Quotes from The Courage to Heal:

“No matter how committed you are, it is extremely difficult to heal from child sexual abuse in isolation.  Much of the damage experienced is the result of the secrecy and silence that surrounded the abuse.  Trying to heal while perpetuating that lonely silence is nearly impossible.”

“As women, we’ve been taught to meet the needs of others, that focusing on ourselves is selfish.  But healing requires a willingness to put yourself first.”

“Writing itself is very helpful, but sharing what you’ve written is important too.”

“The long-term effects of child sexual abuse can be so pervasive that it’s sometimes hard to pinpoint exactly how the abuse affected you.  It permeates everything:  your sense of self, your intimate relationships, your sexuality, your parenting, your work life, even your sanity.”

“The effects of child sexual abuse can be devastating, but they do not have to be permanent.”

Taking Stock:  Writing Exercise One

“Write about the ways you’re still affected by the abuse.  What are you still carrying in terms of your feelings of self-worth, your work, your relationships, you sexuality?  How is your life still pained, still limited?  Write about the strengths you’ve developed because of the abuse.  Think of what it’s taken for you to survive.  What are the qualities that enabled you to make it?  Perseverance?  Flexibility?  Self-sufficiency.  Write about your strengths with pride.”

I SUCK at relationships.  While I do have a small group of very close friends, I often let guys take advantage of me in so many ways, very often financially.  When I was abused, the abuser would say, “I’ll let you play with my toy, let you drink my special Gatorade, or play with you, if you let me rub against you or touch you down there.”  I was a little kid and wanted the attention of him. 

I tend to feel like I need to give something up in order to get the attention of guys that I am interested in or even in love with.  I do it with my girl friends too.  I offer to treat.  I’ll buy the wine tonight.  Dinner’s on me tonight.  I have a strong desire to buy extravagant gifts.  My gift has to be the best that “they” receive, so they know that I care for them more.  That way, they’ll give me the attention I so desire.

I am a very generous person by nature, but my need to over give has put me in financial troubles at times.  Maybe it’s my need to show others that I don’t NEED anything from anyone else.  Maybe I want to show that I can take care of myself and others.  Who knows?  I guess I need to explore my desire to give so much of myself a little more.

I don’t think it is a terrible thing to give to others, but before I make a purchase or offer to pay for something, I probably should evaluate my own motives, the motives of the person receiving my generosity, the necessity of the gift or deed, and, most importantly, my financial position at that given time.

I like to help people in need.  It does make me feel good. I believe that is a gift that God gave me, finding pleasure in the well-being of others.  It makes me happy to know that I can improve someone else’s day, even if it’s just a small act of kindness.  I guess I do not need to do so at the detriment of myself, however.

My work life is great….I think.  I have a job that I love.  The end of this month will mark my 5^th year as a full-time employee.  During that time I feel like I have been very flexible, adapted to changes, and taken on new responsibilities.  I interact well with others at work well…I assume.  I take pride in the work I do and strive for perfection.  I sometimes work long hours, because there is a ton to do, but I also find work to be my escape from my thoughts and feelings.  I am so busy that I don’t have time to dwell on my own issues.  I work with people that are great, and our organization is growing.  I feel blessed that this position fell in my lap.

Sexuality??  WOW…not something I like to think or talk about, but I am definitely interested in men, but they tend to take advantage of me.  I have been in a physically abusive relationship, pressured into having sex when I did not want to, emotionally abused, etc.  I don’t know if I am attracted to those types, or if I give off some type of vibe that I am easy to take advantage of.  In the past I have tended to ignore the “red flags” that my intuitions told me were not good.  I am working on that.  I think I’ve learned my lesson (the hard way). 

This year I turn 30.  As my friend Jessica says, “This is the year of Sara.”  This year I am working on improving myself.  I am working on healing, losing weight (so far 30 lbs. since February…YAY ME!!!), my self esteem, and anything else that I need to do in order for me to have the confidence to say NO when necessary.  No guy is worth harm to me, physically or emotionally.

I don’t feel so much limited, other than turning 30 and still being single.  My clock is ticking, and I would like to find someone that loves me as much as I love him.  I would like to have children someday.  Sometimes I feel like I’ll be single and alone forever.  For now, my solution to loneliness is getting a roommate!!  

I am not sure of the positive attributes that have come from the abuse.  I’m sure there are some, but I don’t know what.  I guess I strive to achieve greatness.  I am, and have been for years, an over achiever.  I finished college on time, was accepted into the MBA program, and received my MBA within 7 years of finishing high school. 

I was the first member of my family to earn a college degree, and up to this point, the only one to earn a graduate degree.  I guess I am pretty proud of that.  I have always thought that it was the support of my parents that helped me get through college and grad school, but maybe it was my desire to be better than the abuse that pushed me through.  That’s just a thought that I have never had before.  Interesting.

I have lived alone for about 6 years now and generally love it.  I can be alone.  Sometimes I get lonely, but for the most part I am satisfied with that.  I typically go home to spend time with my Memaw when I feel lonely.  I love her so much.  She is so special to me.

I mentioned earlier that I am getting a roommate.  I think it will be a good thing.  I think it will help with some of my loneliness, inspire me to keep my house cleaner, and give me someone to talk to.  It should be fun, right?  I sure hope so, because I am really looking forward to it.

I have very strong opinions about RIGHT and WRONG.  I believe that is probably attributable to the abuse. 

I DETEST people that hurt children in any way, emotionally, sexually, or physically.  I think men that molest children should be castrated – NO QUESTIONS ASKED.  Women that molest children should be tortured in some way as well.  Going to jail or being embarrassed is NOT ENOUGH!!!

I LOVE little children.  I LOVE their innocence.  I think maybe that is because I lost my innocence at such a young age.  Children are truly gifts from God.  They are miracles, and I believe that they should be treated as such. 

My time is up, and it’s time to go to bed.  Thanks for “listening.”  Things are already looking up for me.  Your feedback is always welcome and appreciated. 

PLEASE REMEMBER IF YOU OR ANYONE THAT YOU KNOW HAS BEEN OR IS BEING ABUSED SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY.