WOW…it has been a long time. I have so much to say, but I am not sure if I can type as fast as my mind is going.
So in the last almost year, I have renewed my infatuation with New Kids on the Block. I was a huge fan when I was 9 or 10. I had New Kids birthday parties and sleepovers. I asked for only New Kids on the Block stuff for birthdays and Christmases. I was in tween girl heaven. I was secretly crushed when they split, and I would play their last “tape” in my car when I was alone in high school! When Donnie Wahlberg was in Ransom, I asked for the VHS tape for my birthday. That is all I wanted, and I only wanted it, because Donnie was in the movie. The tape was not out in time for my birthday that year, so my mom went to the rental place and begged to buy a copy from the store. They sold it to her for an obnoxious price, since it was not available for sale yet!
I remember when I first got on the Internet in high school. One of the first things I looked for was information on New Kids! All of this was “in the closet”; because it was, so not cool to be a New Kids fan in those days. Therefore, I hid my fan-girldom. Toward the end of my senior year of High School, the stress of moving away to college began to set in, and I set my sights on a new boy band. That is right…I went to college being completely obsessed with the Backstreet Boys. God bless my college roommate. My entire side of the dorm room was covered in BSB and especially Nick Carter posters. That first semester was so helplessly lonely for me; I easily became distracted with rushing home to see TRL on MTV to watch the same BSB videos every day.
So what is the point of this post?
A little refresher for readers and recap for newbies:
My cousin, Matt, who is about 3 ½ years older than me, had a malignant brain tumor when he was seven. He was like an older brother to me. Since I was an only child at that time, he was like a sibling to me at the time. I remember my mom explaining to me that Matt was sick and was at Children’s Hospital. I remember asking if I could go visit him, and my mom telling me that he was too sick. I remember at the tender age of four, my mom trying to explain that Matt could die. I remember trying to understand what death was at an age way too young to understand.
You can only imagine my relief, when the Children’s Hospital telethon was on TV, and I was able to see Matthew on TV for the first time in what seemed like forever in my young mind. I was so relieved to see him, even though he had lost his hair. When he came home from the hospital, I was elated. I remember going to my grandma’s house, where Matt lived, for the first time to see him. I remember my mom explaining that Matt still had staples in his head, and that I needed to be careful around him, because he was fragile.
It was sometime that summer that the molestation started. While Matt was only seven or eight, and I was on four or five, Matt began to molest me after he returned home from Children’s Hospital. Many people donated money and toys to Matthew because of his illness. I even went on his “Make A Wish” trip to Disney World. It started with me wanting to play with Matt’s new toys and Nintendo. He would tell me that he would let me play with the toy, game; whatever it was that time, if I would let him rub himself against me.
Being younger and looking up to him, I would do anything for him to play with me. In addition, I knew Matt was still sick. I remember the talk about him dying. No one told Matt no, not the adults, not the other kids, and certainly not me. I wanted so much to hang out with him and did not want him to die so badly, that I would do whatever he asked.
All that ended around the time I was nine or ten. I was starting to develop into a young lady, and my mom had been very open about the changes that were occurring in/to my body. I knew that I would get my period soon. I knew that once you had a period, you could get pregnant. While the molestation never actually became sex, I did not really know what exactly could get you pregnant back then.
I remember the day it ended. He asked me to pull down my panties. I do not remember what he tried to bribe me with that time, but I remember pull down my panties. They were yellow. I looked down to see my naked female parts, and he made a comment about how sexy it was that I had hair growing down there. For some reason, that was the final step for me. I was able to tell him NO for the first time ever. We never even talked about it again after that day.
Now that we are all on the same page…back to New Kids on the Block…
I had New Kids on the Block everything. While I didn’t realize it at the time, in fact, I’ve only just realized that my New Kids on the Block obsession was the first time in over half my life back then, that I got to be an innocent fan girl dreaming about the boys in the boy band.
Through therapy, I realized that they were my innocence. While I spent most of my childhood dealing with secrets, that, according to Matt, I would get me in big trouble if I told, being a New Kids on the Block fan was a chance to be a “normal” adolescent regaining an innocence lost way too young. I believe that is partially why I did not want them to go away. They were my healing, my safe place, and my chance at normalcy in a young life that held too many secrets to bear.
As I prepared to leave home and move away to college, the stress of the situation brought to me a new “replacement”, if you will boy band in the Backstreet Boys. While I went to three New Kids concerts in the late 80’s and early 90’s, I never saw the Backstreet Boys in concert. Unfortunately, concert tickets were not in my budget as a college freshman.
Last May, when I decided it was time to tell my dad and my grandma about what happened to me years before, I had an idealized, yet unrealistic, vision in my head of how everyone would react. I had separated myself from my family, mostly because I did not want to be around Matt, for so long. I was tired of being the “bad” person that did not make time for my family.
I was almost 30 years-old, and my experience as a child led to a lifetime of abusive relationships with guys, and even at times, some of my girlfriends. My first “serious” relationship was severely abusive. He physical abused me, he emotionally eroded me, I allowed him to steal my dreams and goals, he took advantage of me sexually, and he broke me. That relationship seemed only to set me up for a series of relationships that involved abuse, mostly emotional and sexual. I seem to attract people that take pleasure in taking advantage of me.
Last May, it was finally time for me to quit keeping secrets, and face this thing that set such horrible patterns in my life. It was time to take my life back. The first step was to no longer keep the secret. I was certain that once my family found out, Matt would finally be “punished”; after all, I was still struggling to move on. Maybe telling my secret would provide some kind of closure or justice and allow me finally to become healthy. Maybe it would take away the anxiety and depression I have fought during my adult life.
Boy was I wrong! While my dad and grandma were supportive and finally seemed to understand my avoidance of family functions, my need for therapy once a week, and even, my need for medicine to deal with the depression and anxiety, the other side of the family did not exactly see it the way I did. You see, Matt and I were their grandchildren, niece and nephew, and cousin. We shared the same relationship with our family members. Those family members did not choose to take sides.
In retrospect, I realize that my idealize idea of what was to happen once the secret was no longer a secret, it was and still is a tough pill for me to swallow. I understand that I am completely biased and placed impossible expectations on family, but it is still difficult for me. Since that time, birthdays, Christmas, weddings, and anniversaries have been celebrated, and with Matt being invited to everything, I do not feel comfortable being anywhere near him. I am still the one “left out”, even if only by my own choosing.
Needless to say, the depression and anxiety in the last year and a half has only multiplied. I realize that I need to deal with facing Matt. It is nobody’s problem, but mine. I need to be strong enough to be in the same room with him without freaking out. The thought of him now, still causes anxiety and tears. I am working on healing in therapy now.
Right…back to New Kids… Can you imagine my surprise and pure delight when New Kids on the Block teamed up with Backstreet Boys at the American Music Awards at the end of 2010, and then again on Dick Clark’s New Year’s special? It was pure elation. Then I began following all nine of those guys on Twitter. More importantly, I “met” several fan-girls just like me on Twitter.
I recently discussed with my therapist the escape that is Twitter. You see, on Twitter, I am not “that” girl. I am not the girl with issues. I am nothing more than a fellow fan. When New Kids announced that the summer tour with Backstreet Boys, and I saw there was a show in Louisiana, I was ecstatic. I wondered who would come with me. My good friend, Emily, quickly volunteered to go to the concert with me, and we got great third row seats.
Between meeting new people on Twitter and looking forward to the June 24th concert, I finally had enough distraction to help me keep fighting. It was as if a new breath had been given to me. Right when I thought I could not keep going, I suddenly had this new excitement in my life.
Even better, about two weeks before the concert, I received an email from the Backstreet Boys’ website. I had won a VIP ticket to meet them! Holy smokes, I was excited. While my initial love was and will always be New Kids, I was still excited to get to meet and take a picture with BSB.
I took off work on the day of the concert. I felt like a teenager trying to pick out the perfect outfit. I got a manicure and pedicure that morning. The feelings of joy and excitement that I had were foreign to me. The hour-long ride to Lafayette seemed to take an eternity. Finally, we arrived, and it was time to enter the arena to meet Backstreet Boys. I met other girls in line that also won from the website. We all talked and sat together. We even ended up taking our picture together.
Then, before I knew it, it was show time. I do not think I could have imagined a better show. For the 2 ½-hour performance, I had a seemingly out-of-body experience. For a few hours, I had no problems, no sadness, no loneliness; even being in the arena with thousands of people did not bother me. I was in a different world. It was sheer bliss.
I absolutely believe it was a magical experience. I hope that New Kids continue to tour, so I can feel that level of bliss again. Is it a distraction? Absolutely. Is it healthy? At this point, anything that helps me cope and finally feel happy with my life is healthy. Do I plan to go on a cruise (if they ever announce it)? I would not miss it. Will I hide my excitement for New Kids on the Block ever again? Absolutely not. Are they magical? I am not sure, but they made magic in the Cajundome that night.
So, while I’m sure the guys from New Kids probably won’t happen across my little blog, I am thanking them for reuniting and for creating a magic that I haven’t felt since I was maybe 11.
Here is a picture of me after the concert. Can you see the joy on my face? No that's confetti, look at the smile! J
