will add new update SOON

Going through this experience and reliving these memories is difficult. It's difficult to dig up forgotten memories. While I feel like this blogging experience is ultimately a healthy activity for me, it is taking an emotional toll. Stick with it. I will be updating. Sometimes, however, I need to take breaks in order to get by.

I would like to thank everyone who has posted here, has contacted me personally, or have quietly read my story.  Your support, prayers, good thoughts, and kind words do give me the strength I will need to continue my healing process. 

STOP

Please STOP….Just STOP!!

Stop blaming my therapist, stop telling me that everyone else you know has gotten over it, and STOP denying that you didn’t do anything WHEN I told you at the age of 11. I did tell you, and you told me not to tell Daddy, because he would never let me play over there again….guess I should’ve told Daddy. I didn’t need to be playing over there at all. My therapist is HELPING…not having your support is NOT. STOP comparing me to everyone else. Maybe if I had the opportunity to heal a LONG TIME AGO, I would be a little better now, but I didn’t. This just came out. I am only beginning to heal, and your support would help the process progress. I guess I am going to have to figure this out without you. You’ve always been there for me, or so I thought. I guess it’s time to grow up, try things on my own.

UPSET & FRUSTRATED

So this isn’t really a writing assignment from my book, but it is my latest blog post. This is how I feel.

Things are getting worse with my mom about her parents. Now my brother is butting in as well. While I am trying to heal, they are making life difficult for the very few that are supportive of me.

Also, my mom made the comment that I have recently spent holidays with that family while Matt was there. I tried to explain, that I was just suppressing my feelings for the sake of everyone else, and now I am now trying to be healthy. I don't think any contact with Matt is healthy for me. I don't know if I'll EVER want to be around him. I think that is completely fair to choose not to be around the person that molested me for five years. I also think it is fair that I never want to be around him again, even if he is family. (The fact that he is family makes it more disgusting, actually.)

My grandparents have had several family celebrations (father's day, birthdays, out of town relative visits) that Matt was invited to. I was unaware of these until I saw the pictures on facebook. I feel like as long as he is welcome there, I am not.

Tonight my mom was rushed to the hospital with gallbladder issues. My dad got in his truck and is rushing to Nashville to be by her side. She has been such a bitch to him about all of this. I worry about him driving all night, and I am pissed at her for having the nerve to expect him to drop his life now to be with her.

She also made drama when she asked about my last visit with my therapist. I told her that as long as we are not going to get along, it's best that I not seek contact with her. She first said..."are you sure you're seeing the right therapist?" SERIOUSLY??? Now it's MY THERAPIST’S fault that she's a psycho?? Then she called a few days later and asked if I was still avoiding her. I reiterated that I am not avoiding her, but I am not seeking out negativity either. She doesn't get it. All she cares about are her parents' feelings.

UGGGHHH....so upset and frustrated.

More Quotes and the 2nd Writing Assignment: Coping

Quotes from The Courage to Heal:

“Coping is what you did to survive the trauma of being sexually abused.”

“Many survivors criticize themselves for the ways they coped.  You may not want to admit some of the things you had to do to survive.  But coping is nothing to be ashamed of.  You survived, and it’s important to honor your resourcefulness.”

“Children who are abused or battered often numb their bodies so they will not feel what is being done to them.  Others actually leave their bodies and watch the abuse as if from a great distance.”

“A tough sense of humor, a bitter wit or sense of cynicism can get you through hard times.  As long as you keep people laughing, you maintain a certain protective distance.  And as long as you keep laughing, you don’t have to cry.”

“Survivors often feel an overwhelming need to achieve, to make up for the badness they feel is hidden inside.  Excelling at work is something that they can control and that’s given a lot of support in our high-achieving culture.  While working to excess can show a strong motivation to succeed, it can also be a way to avoid an inner life or a connection to the people around you.”

Coping:  Writing Exercise Two

“This is an opportunity for you to write about your experience of coping – how you remember it, how you’re still doing it, how it’s affected your life.  Write with as much detail as you can, always write from the perspective of honoring what you did.”

So…how exactly did I cope?  As I read this section, I could definitely relate to some of scenarios presented.  I’ve never thought of many of my behaviors as coping, but rather, as traits of my personality.  I supposed trying to cope with my situation shaped who I am and who I’ve been.  I am hoping that, while this will always be a part of me, sexual abuse will no longer define who I will be.

I can vividly remember the abuse.  I looked up to my cousin.  He was like a big brother I never had.  I separated the abuser from the cousin I loved.  I hid the abuse in the back of my mind, because I wanted his attention.  At some point, I even took the blame for it.  I felt like I “chose” to be sexually abused, because I wanted to play with my cousin and his cool toys. 

I lived with the guilt that I had caused my own abuse for so long, that I had to make up for it in every aspect of my life.  I was such a “bad person” for choosing to be abused, that I had to be perfect at everything else.  I have always been an overachiever.  My parents provided tons of opportunities for me, and I NEEDED to be perfect in everyway.  I had enough imperfections in my life because of the abuse that I apparently “wanted.”  So I couldn’t afford to fail at anything else.

My perfectionist ways are and were not all that bad.  I was a great student, participated in several extracurricular activities, and was the perfect daughter.  I have worked in the same place for 7 years (5 years full-time).  In my job, I have continuously been given opportunities for growth.  I am proud of many of my accomplishments.

The problem with needing to be perfect is that when you do fail, it is detrimental!!!  Because I had enough flaws “on my record” in my head, I had no room to fail.  So, when things haven’t or don’t worked out perfectly, I usually don’t handle that so well.  In college I resorted to alcohol and pot to make it all just go away.  I had a lot of “fun” being miserable.  Does that make sense?  It sounds ridiculous to me.

I have also tried gambling, bulimia, and binge eating.  All of these were FAILURES.  If you haven’t tried these yet, don’t bother.  They’re all more trouble than their worth.  Luckily for me, I have a wonderful therapist who helped me through these.

Gambling was attractive, because I didn’t have to be alone, and I could be surrounded by shining lights and hopes of riches.  At the same time, I didn’t have to speak to anyone.  I could sit in front of machine feeding it my money and play for hours.  I used this time to avoid friends and closeness.  I used gambling as a way to cope.  Thankfully, that phase was not long-lived.  I couldn’t and can’t afford that habit.  I was miserable.  One of the worst feelings in the world is leaving a casino having spent more money than you can afford, and knowing that you’re not getting paid again for another 20 or 30 days. 

Now I detest going to casinos.  I’ve seen in my own life the potential for detriment.  I’ve sat outside casinos and watched the people walk in and out.  Rarely are those people happy.  The typical casino goers are some of the most miserable people that I have ever observed.  I quickly learned that I was avoiding something by being there, and that behavior was simply making me more miserable rather than happy.

I tried the bulimia as a method to lose weight.  It didn’t work.  Now I have acid reflux all the time.  I am on a prescription for acid reflux.  My doctor says that it can be a result of repeatedly making myself vomit.  That just sucks.  I have actually done permanent damage to my body.

Binge eating is usually what led to the bulimia, so I strongly suggest you think twice before trying this.  I would eat to feel better.  If a little of a good thing does a little good, then a lot does a lot of good, right?  Not so much.  I would eat until I literally felt sick.  I felt sick because I had “done it again.”  I felt sick because of the massive amounts of food I had shoved down my throat.  I had to throw up.  It made me feel less guilty.

The only other negative coping behavior that I am currently dealing with is my desire to sleep.  When I have the opportunity, I like to sleep all day.  It’s like, if I am not awake, I don’t have to face reality.  However, when I do wake up, and realize that I have missed an entire day, that I have not done the laundry, that my house is still messy, or that I still have no groceries, I get frustrated with myself.  While sleep is healthy, and I even believe that naps are beneficial at times, sleeping to avoid life is clearly not the way to go.

Overall, I have tested the waters of destructive behaviors as coping mechanisms.  I am incredibly fortunate that my parents instilled strong values of what is right and what is wrong.  I knew what I was doing was wrong.  I was able to realize that the bad things that I was doing were only making the situation worse.

As for taking the blame, I no longer blame myself at all for being sexually abused.  I was a kid.  I had no idea what was really going on.  I am consciously aware that I did not choose to be molested.  I have forgiven me!!  I believe that was my first break through in therapy.  Forgiving me was really my first step in leaving victim status and becoming a survivor.

Time’s up.  Good night.

PLEASE REMEMBER IF YOU OR ANYONE THAT YOU KNOW HAS BEEN OR IS BEING ABUSED SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY.

Slacking Lately - but not forgetting!! :)

I had a super busy Mother's Day weekend, and work has been crazy too. I am reading more of my book tonight and plan to post more tomorrow or Thursday. I just needed to say that I have the strongest, most supportive, and incredible parents in the world. I am so blessed.

Quotes from The Courage to Heal and The First Writing Assignment

Quotes from The Courage to Heal:

“No matter how committed you are, it is extremely difficult to heal from child sexual abuse in isolation.  Much of the damage experienced is the result of the secrecy and silence that surrounded the abuse.  Trying to heal while perpetuating that lonely silence is nearly impossible.”

“As women, we’ve been taught to meet the needs of others, that focusing on ourselves is selfish.  But healing requires a willingness to put yourself first.”

“Writing itself is very helpful, but sharing what you’ve written is important too.”

“The long-term effects of child sexual abuse can be so pervasive that it’s sometimes hard to pinpoint exactly how the abuse affected you.  It permeates everything:  your sense of self, your intimate relationships, your sexuality, your parenting, your work life, even your sanity.”

“The effects of child sexual abuse can be devastating, but they do not have to be permanent.”

Taking Stock:  Writing Exercise One

“Write about the ways you’re still affected by the abuse.  What are you still carrying in terms of your feelings of self-worth, your work, your relationships, you sexuality?  How is your life still pained, still limited?  Write about the strengths you’ve developed because of the abuse.  Think of what it’s taken for you to survive.  What are the qualities that enabled you to make it?  Perseverance?  Flexibility?  Self-sufficiency.  Write about your strengths with pride.”

I SUCK at relationships.  While I do have a small group of very close friends, I often let guys take advantage of me in so many ways, very often financially.  When I was abused, the abuser would say, “I’ll let you play with my toy, let you drink my special Gatorade, or play with you, if you let me rub against you or touch you down there.”  I was a little kid and wanted the attention of him. 

I tend to feel like I need to give something up in order to get the attention of guys that I am interested in or even in love with.  I do it with my girl friends too.  I offer to treat.  I’ll buy the wine tonight.  Dinner’s on me tonight.  I have a strong desire to buy extravagant gifts.  My gift has to be the best that “they” receive, so they know that I care for them more.  That way, they’ll give me the attention I so desire.

I am a very generous person by nature, but my need to over give has put me in financial troubles at times.  Maybe it’s my need to show others that I don’t NEED anything from anyone else.  Maybe I want to show that I can take care of myself and others.  Who knows?  I guess I need to explore my desire to give so much of myself a little more.

I don’t think it is a terrible thing to give to others, but before I make a purchase or offer to pay for something, I probably should evaluate my own motives, the motives of the person receiving my generosity, the necessity of the gift or deed, and, most importantly, my financial position at that given time.

I like to help people in need.  It does make me feel good. I believe that is a gift that God gave me, finding pleasure in the well-being of others.  It makes me happy to know that I can improve someone else’s day, even if it’s just a small act of kindness.  I guess I do not need to do so at the detriment of myself, however.

My work life is great….I think.  I have a job that I love.  The end of this month will mark my 5^th year as a full-time employee.  During that time I feel like I have been very flexible, adapted to changes, and taken on new responsibilities.  I interact well with others at work well…I assume.  I take pride in the work I do and strive for perfection.  I sometimes work long hours, because there is a ton to do, but I also find work to be my escape from my thoughts and feelings.  I am so busy that I don’t have time to dwell on my own issues.  I work with people that are great, and our organization is growing.  I feel blessed that this position fell in my lap.

Sexuality??  WOW…not something I like to think or talk about, but I am definitely interested in men, but they tend to take advantage of me.  I have been in a physically abusive relationship, pressured into having sex when I did not want to, emotionally abused, etc.  I don’t know if I am attracted to those types, or if I give off some type of vibe that I am easy to take advantage of.  In the past I have tended to ignore the “red flags” that my intuitions told me were not good.  I am working on that.  I think I’ve learned my lesson (the hard way). 

This year I turn 30.  As my friend Jessica says, “This is the year of Sara.”  This year I am working on improving myself.  I am working on healing, losing weight (so far 30 lbs. since February…YAY ME!!!), my self esteem, and anything else that I need to do in order for me to have the confidence to say NO when necessary.  No guy is worth harm to me, physically or emotionally.

I don’t feel so much limited, other than turning 30 and still being single.  My clock is ticking, and I would like to find someone that loves me as much as I love him.  I would like to have children someday.  Sometimes I feel like I’ll be single and alone forever.  For now, my solution to loneliness is getting a roommate!!  

I am not sure of the positive attributes that have come from the abuse.  I’m sure there are some, but I don’t know what.  I guess I strive to achieve greatness.  I am, and have been for years, an over achiever.  I finished college on time, was accepted into the MBA program, and received my MBA within 7 years of finishing high school. 

I was the first member of my family to earn a college degree, and up to this point, the only one to earn a graduate degree.  I guess I am pretty proud of that.  I have always thought that it was the support of my parents that helped me get through college and grad school, but maybe it was my desire to be better than the abuse that pushed me through.  That’s just a thought that I have never had before.  Interesting.

I have lived alone for about 6 years now and generally love it.  I can be alone.  Sometimes I get lonely, but for the most part I am satisfied with that.  I typically go home to spend time with my Memaw when I feel lonely.  I love her so much.  She is so special to me.

I mentioned earlier that I am getting a roommate.  I think it will be a good thing.  I think it will help with some of my loneliness, inspire me to keep my house cleaner, and give me someone to talk to.  It should be fun, right?  I sure hope so, because I am really looking forward to it.

I have very strong opinions about RIGHT and WRONG.  I believe that is probably attributable to the abuse. 

I DETEST people that hurt children in any way, emotionally, sexually, or physically.  I think men that molest children should be castrated – NO QUESTIONS ASKED.  Women that molest children should be tortured in some way as well.  Going to jail or being embarrassed is NOT ENOUGH!!!

I LOVE little children.  I LOVE their innocence.  I think maybe that is because I lost my innocence at such a young age.  Children are truly gifts from God.  They are miracles, and I believe that they should be treated as such. 

My time is up, and it’s time to go to bed.  Thanks for “listening.”  Things are already looking up for me.  Your feedback is always welcome and appreciated. 

PLEASE REMEMBER IF YOU OR ANYONE THAT YOU KNOW HAS BEEN OR IS BEING ABUSED SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY.

Not Much Today...One Small Milestone

Today marks two weeks since I told my dad.  He's taking it in stride.  I am really proud of how calm he has been.  He's super supportive.  I love my daddy.  I only wish I would've started this process sooner.  Oh well.  Things are looking up. 

Good Night. 

More to come soon.

First entry and Startling Statistics

I am a survivor of sexual abuse by a cousin that is three and a half years older than me at a very young age.  This blog will be my journal of healing.  I no longer wish to be a victim.  I am choosing to be a survivor.  Now that I have told my entire family, I am ready to share my story with the hope of helping others.

Some of my entries will be writing “assignments” that I do for a book called The Courage to Heal, while others will be just my day to day journal of the ups and downs of work, home, and life in general.  I will also post websites and other sites that deal with sexual molestation. 

I hope you enjoy reading, and more importantly, I hope I am able to help you if you are struggling with a similar circumstance.  PLEASE REMEMBER IF YOU OR ANYONE THAT YOU KNOW HAS BEEN OR IS BEING ABUSED SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY.

Following are some startling statistics from the website http://www.darkness2light.org/

·         1 in 4 girls is sexually abused before the age of 18.

·         1 in 6 boys is sexually abused before the age of 18.

·         An estimated 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse exist in America today.

·         30-40% of victims are abused by a family member.

·         Another 50% are abused by someone outside of the family whom they know and trust.

·         Approximately 40% are abused by older or larger children whom they know.

·         The median age for reported abuse is 9 years old.

·         More than 20% of children are sexually abused before the age of 8.

·         Young victims may not recognize their victimization as sexual abuse.

·         Fabricated sexual abuse reports constitute only 1% to 4% of all reported cases. Of these reports, 75% are falsely reported by adults and 25% are reported by children. Children only fabricate ½% of the time.

·         The way a victim's family responds to abuse plays an important role in how the incident affects the victim.

·         Sexually abused children who keep it a secret or who "tell" and are not believed are at greater risk than the general population for psychological, emotional, social, and physical problems often lasting into adulthood.

·         Children who have been victims of sexual abuse are more likely to experience physical health problems (e.g., headaches).

·         Victims of child sexual abuse report more symptoms of PTSD, more sadness, and more school problems than non-victims.

·         Victims of child sexual abuse are more likely to experience major depressive disorder as adults.

·         Young girls who are sexually abused are more likely to develop eating disorders as adolescents.

·         Adolescent victims of violent crime have difficulty in the transition to adulthood, are more likely to suffer financial failure and physical injury, and are at risk to fail in other areas due to problem behaviors and outcomes of the victimization.

·         Young girls who are sexually abused are 3 times more likely to develop psychiatric disorders or alcohol and drug abuse in adulthood, than girls who are not sexually abused.

·         Adolescents who suffer violent victimization are at risk for being victims or perpetrators of felony assault, domestic violence, and property offense as adults.