More Quotes and the 2nd Writing Assignment: Coping

Quotes from The Courage to Heal:

“Coping is what you did to survive the trauma of being sexually abused.”

“Many survivors criticize themselves for the ways they coped.  You may not want to admit some of the things you had to do to survive.  But coping is nothing to be ashamed of.  You survived, and it’s important to honor your resourcefulness.”

“Children who are abused or battered often numb their bodies so they will not feel what is being done to them.  Others actually leave their bodies and watch the abuse as if from a great distance.”

“A tough sense of humor, a bitter wit or sense of cynicism can get you through hard times.  As long as you keep people laughing, you maintain a certain protective distance.  And as long as you keep laughing, you don’t have to cry.”

“Survivors often feel an overwhelming need to achieve, to make up for the badness they feel is hidden inside.  Excelling at work is something that they can control and that’s given a lot of support in our high-achieving culture.  While working to excess can show a strong motivation to succeed, it can also be a way to avoid an inner life or a connection to the people around you.”

Coping:  Writing Exercise Two

“This is an opportunity for you to write about your experience of coping – how you remember it, how you’re still doing it, how it’s affected your life.  Write with as much detail as you can, always write from the perspective of honoring what you did.”

So…how exactly did I cope?  As I read this section, I could definitely relate to some of scenarios presented.  I’ve never thought of many of my behaviors as coping, but rather, as traits of my personality.  I supposed trying to cope with my situation shaped who I am and who I’ve been.  I am hoping that, while this will always be a part of me, sexual abuse will no longer define who I will be.

I can vividly remember the abuse.  I looked up to my cousin.  He was like a big brother I never had.  I separated the abuser from the cousin I loved.  I hid the abuse in the back of my mind, because I wanted his attention.  At some point, I even took the blame for it.  I felt like I “chose” to be sexually abused, because I wanted to play with my cousin and his cool toys. 

I lived with the guilt that I had caused my own abuse for so long, that I had to make up for it in every aspect of my life.  I was such a “bad person” for choosing to be abused, that I had to be perfect at everything else.  I have always been an overachiever.  My parents provided tons of opportunities for me, and I NEEDED to be perfect in everyway.  I had enough imperfections in my life because of the abuse that I apparently “wanted.”  So I couldn’t afford to fail at anything else.

My perfectionist ways are and were not all that bad.  I was a great student, participated in several extracurricular activities, and was the perfect daughter.  I have worked in the same place for 7 years (5 years full-time).  In my job, I have continuously been given opportunities for growth.  I am proud of many of my accomplishments.

The problem with needing to be perfect is that when you do fail, it is detrimental!!!  Because I had enough flaws “on my record” in my head, I had no room to fail.  So, when things haven’t or don’t worked out perfectly, I usually don’t handle that so well.  In college I resorted to alcohol and pot to make it all just go away.  I had a lot of “fun” being miserable.  Does that make sense?  It sounds ridiculous to me.

I have also tried gambling, bulimia, and binge eating.  All of these were FAILURES.  If you haven’t tried these yet, don’t bother.  They’re all more trouble than their worth.  Luckily for me, I have a wonderful therapist who helped me through these.

Gambling was attractive, because I didn’t have to be alone, and I could be surrounded by shining lights and hopes of riches.  At the same time, I didn’t have to speak to anyone.  I could sit in front of machine feeding it my money and play for hours.  I used this time to avoid friends and closeness.  I used gambling as a way to cope.  Thankfully, that phase was not long-lived.  I couldn’t and can’t afford that habit.  I was miserable.  One of the worst feelings in the world is leaving a casino having spent more money than you can afford, and knowing that you’re not getting paid again for another 20 or 30 days. 

Now I detest going to casinos.  I’ve seen in my own life the potential for detriment.  I’ve sat outside casinos and watched the people walk in and out.  Rarely are those people happy.  The typical casino goers are some of the most miserable people that I have ever observed.  I quickly learned that I was avoiding something by being there, and that behavior was simply making me more miserable rather than happy.

I tried the bulimia as a method to lose weight.  It didn’t work.  Now I have acid reflux all the time.  I am on a prescription for acid reflux.  My doctor says that it can be a result of repeatedly making myself vomit.  That just sucks.  I have actually done permanent damage to my body.

Binge eating is usually what led to the bulimia, so I strongly suggest you think twice before trying this.  I would eat to feel better.  If a little of a good thing does a little good, then a lot does a lot of good, right?  Not so much.  I would eat until I literally felt sick.  I felt sick because I had “done it again.”  I felt sick because of the massive amounts of food I had shoved down my throat.  I had to throw up.  It made me feel less guilty.

The only other negative coping behavior that I am currently dealing with is my desire to sleep.  When I have the opportunity, I like to sleep all day.  It’s like, if I am not awake, I don’t have to face reality.  However, when I do wake up, and realize that I have missed an entire day, that I have not done the laundry, that my house is still messy, or that I still have no groceries, I get frustrated with myself.  While sleep is healthy, and I even believe that naps are beneficial at times, sleeping to avoid life is clearly not the way to go.

Overall, I have tested the waters of destructive behaviors as coping mechanisms.  I am incredibly fortunate that my parents instilled strong values of what is right and what is wrong.  I knew what I was doing was wrong.  I was able to realize that the bad things that I was doing were only making the situation worse.

As for taking the blame, I no longer blame myself at all for being sexually abused.  I was a kid.  I had no idea what was really going on.  I am consciously aware that I did not choose to be molested.  I have forgiven me!!  I believe that was my first break through in therapy.  Forgiving me was really my first step in leaving victim status and becoming a survivor.

Time’s up.  Good night.

PLEASE REMEMBER IF YOU OR ANYONE THAT YOU KNOW HAS BEEN OR IS BEING ABUSED SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY.